Thursday, December 29, 2016

2016 Mini Reflection...



Over the last few days, I started to reflect on where my life has lead me and Chris over the past 12 months. It has certainly been a roller coaster for us both. We have had both really good and bad times throughout the year, but it has made us grow stronger, it has made our marriage, our friendship a lot stronger.

2017, I really want to focus on myself and also people around me. One of those things that I would really like to do is to reconnect with people in my life, to make real connections with people and to put the effect into keeping those relationships going.

I have a bad habit of pushing people away when my anxiety gets really bad, and by doing that a lot of my friendships break down.

So in 2017 I am going to work on making wholesome real meaningful connections that are two ways street. I need to learn to try in people and show then that I try them by talking to them, sharing my life with them and in return allowing them to then open up to me.

Over the next couple of days, I am going to be sharing with you my 2017 goals & intentions. 2017 is going to be a good year, it will take a lot of work to make it the year I want, but I am determined!!

Hello... Long Time...

Ok, time to give you all a run down to what is happening with this blog, I know over the past two years I have been swapping and changing.... BUT I am back!

I have decided that I am going to keep my original blog. I have decided this for a number of reasons, but when I first started to want to get back into blogging so much had changed and I wanted a fresh start. But I just couldn't get into the new blog, and I keep thinking back to my good old original blog, and I just didn't want to give it up. It has so many memories that I don't want to forget any of it, the good or bad all the posts are a part of who I am.

As you may have read from my last big long blog post over the last two year I have been struggling to deal with my anxiety and depression especially the last two nearly three months, which lead me, my husband and Doctor's to decide that the best things for me was to admit me to hospital for a medication change. I was discharged on the 15th December and the next day we flew out to Tasmania for Christmas with my parents.

Things are still going on with regarding to my anxiety and depression and there will be another medication change which again we will do in hospital due to medical symptoms that I have had to deal with over the last week and a half- totally wasn't expecting the withdrawals from my old medication and it has hit me hard!

But things are slowly getting better and will continue to, I will not let it get the best of me.

So I have decided to start blogging again it's an outlet for me to express myself, and no it will not be just about the hard time that I am going through I promise.

So end of the post... I'm back! I do want to do a blog makeover and update, which will happen at some point soon, need to get around to that but hey let's focus on regular posting.

Monday, December 26, 2016

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG RAW AND HONEST POST…

Like so long, go get yourself a nice hot drink to enjoy while reading.
You've been warned! 

My name is Jess, And I live with chronic anxiety, with panic attacks and chronic depression.

Over the years I have been ashamed & embarrassed to talk about this topic, but today that ends, today I stop pretending.

This is my story and I am sharing this not to get sympathy or attention, I don’t want the “poor jess” I want people to understand how hard mental health can be, how so many people are so scared to share what they are going through because they're afraid of people judging them.
There are a lot of people in my life that have no clue that I live with this every day, or how bad it can be.
Every day is a struggle, a constant fight with myself. Each day a roller coaster.

I developed my condition about 9 years ago. And for many years I learnt how to “cope” with it, coping for me is to bottle thing up, to bury them deep down so that I don’t see or feel them, I build walls, I push people away and most of all I wear a mask.
I hide the true self from people in fear of being rejected, from fear of them thinking that I just want attention or that I am being a drama queen or that I am just faking it.

For the past 2 & 1/2 years, these coping methods that I have used to get through my day to day life have worn me down to the point where 2 months ago I could no longer act, to pretend that I was ok anymore, I shut down.

There are a lot of people in the world that don’t understand mental illness, that hasn't seen first hand how it can affect someone.
Even though you can’t see on the outside a broken arm or leg, doesn't mean that that person your standing next to or that you are friends with isn’t completely broken inside. Some don’t realise that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

My condition over the last year has gotten so bad that I get physically sick from my anxiety and panic attacks. That I have a range of medications just to help me somewhat function on a day to day basis. But 6 weeks ago that all changed, my main medication, the medication I use to help control my anxiety and depression stopped working, I stopped and I crashed.

On Friday 2nd of December between myself and my specialist it was decided to change medication, but to do this it was safer for me to do so in hospital, I was exhausted from sleep deprivation, on average each night only being able to sleep for 4-6 hours of broken sleep, I was out of energy, and in hospital they can change medication faster than outside due to having the medical monitoring, and also the additional support.
I have since been discharged and spending a time in Tasmania to recover, my body is exhausted but also going through withdrawal symptoms from the old medication, it is not easy, it's still a struggle. There is still a strong chance that I will return to the hospital for another medication change because it takes time to get the right one.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am the person that wears a mask, that only shows the good side both online and in real life, my smile holds back the pain and the tears. I want to become a “Real person” both in person and online. No, I am not going to start whining or wanting attention, that is not me, I will just share my real life.

To anyone suffering wth Mental illness… 
You are one badass person! Stronger than you will ever realise because nothing is more terrifying than battling with your own mind every single day. 
And I want to promise each one of you that if you suffer from mental illness you are NEVER alone, there are always people to talk to if you ever need someone to just listen or to distract you please know that you can always talk to me. No matter how close we may or may not be, no matter if its been years since we have talked or just yesterday or even if we have never talked.

To those that don’t suffer from mental illness, some words of advice…
Just cause you can’t can’t see the injury doesn’t mean that someone isn’t hurting or broken. So be nice, show kindness to all those that you come across.
If you are going to ask a person “R U OK”, “Can I do something for you” or “Do you want to talk about it”…. MEAN IT!!
Don’t say it if you don’t mean it, cause we can tell when someone is not being sincere, we can see the reactions in your face, we can see the unread Facebook messages or the silent replies. Don’t FAKE being nice, make real connections.
If someone trusts you enough to tell you personal things such as their struggle with depression or what anxiety feels like or just how they feel in general, please don’t be a shitty person and brush it off by belittling it just because you’ve never experienced it. it feels like shit to be told your feeling don’t matter by the one person you actually trust enough to tell.

If someone shares with you what their condition is and you don't understand it or never experienced it, if you truly care about that person then education yourself! There are so many websites out there that have so many resources for those that support suffers.

And lastly, there are four people in my life that over the last two years and especially the last 4 months they have been beyond amazing, my awesome parents that no matter where in the world they are and no matter what hour of the day or night they are always there to talk to me.
My little big sister, that gives me pep talks, calms me down or gives me the spare key to her house to let me go play with her cat or to come over late night when I just want a cuddle from my sister.

And last but far from least my husband Chris that paces back and forth with me for hours in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep due to restless legs or just hugs me tight when I’m having panic attacks. There are so many other things that I could go on about on about that he selflessly does for me, he is my best friend, my soul mate and the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Moving Life Around...

Over the past week we have moved into a new apartment.
And we have fallen head over heels with this place!
It is super close to Chris's work, 
And with me now working from home it is making life simple and easy.

It is awesome to have our own space back again.
Over the past 12 months we have been living with Chris's mother.
While it was a huge blessing with the events that occurred over the past year,
It has been hard not having our own place.
Not being able to unpack all our belongings,
And a few other challenges along the way.
But that is now a thing of the past and we now get to enjoy our own place again.


We got the keys a week before we moved the large furniture.
Which was awesome because we were able to move car loads into the apartment each day.
The first thing that we did was to move and unpack all the kitchen items.
Because they had been packed up for the last 12 months, 
We wanted to go through everything, throw away things we no longer wanted/needed,
Plus we then washed and deep cleaned every since thing.
Then we went ahead and organised the kitchen the way that we wanted to.


The reason that I loved that we did that first,
Was because we knew unpacking things would take a while, 
Mainly due to the fact that we are buying new furniture, but will be a few weeks til we get them.
So we are currently living in a house of boxes, 
But we are still able to function
Our kitchen is fully functioning,
Our clothes are unpacked,
Our bathroom was also already set up before moving in,
And Chris set up the TV and lounge the day we moved it.


The apartment is a work in progress,
But we love it and can't wait to see it all completed once we have fully unpacked!



Monday, February 29, 2016

Currently In February...

Reading... 'See Me' by Nicholas Sparks, I have been trying to get back into the groove of reading for the past few weeks, I have fallen into a rut. I really want to get back into reading, I miss it.
Playing... Lately I have been loving playing cards games on my phone, my two top games- Solitaire & Spider. I find it relaxing to just chill out and play the games and not think, just zone out.
Watching... Grey's Anatomy, going back to the beginning and re-watching all the episodes, oh how I love Grey's!
Trying... Blogging... trying to get back into the groove, it gets the thoughts out of my head, it always me to express what I am loving at that moment. I will get back to blogging!
Cooking... New Thermomix recipes, trying new things and using my Thermomix more.
Eating... Chicken Tinga.... AMAZING!!!
Drinking... Mint Hot Chocolate, wishing for colder months!
Calling... My parents, I take the time when I am driving to call them, say hi & catch up with them.
Texting... My sisters, Cass & Jaci, organising a craft night with them for next week, trying to get them into Project Life!
Pinning... Project life ideas, trying to get into it and to get inspiration.
Tweeting... Not really tweeting any more, but I did use it to suss out the drama between Kanya West & Taylor Swift!
Going... Earlier this month my best friend and me when for a road trip to the beach down the coast. It was a gorgeous day, clear blue skies, nice warm day, good food, great conversation. Awesome day, nice relaxing.
Loving... PicTapGo app, it is a awesome app to be able to edit photos, I am so glad that I discovered the recommendation from Becky Higgins blog.
Discovering... On the hunt for new blogs to read, still hunting. Let me know if you have favourite blogs.
Thinking... Oh this is not a easy one, picking one thought, way too many thoughts going through my head.
Feeling... Sore, at the moment my jaw is hurting, have to go and have a scan of my jaw this week, plus I have a tooth to fix.
Hoping (for)... A phone call regarding a job I applied for.
Listening (to)... Today's Top Hits, playlist on Spotify.
Celebrating... This week Kat celebrated 2 years living in Brisbane.
Smelling... Night Jasmine... I purchased a new perfume this month from the Body Shop, absolutely love it!
Ordering...  New project life kit, 'Currently" oh my gosh I love the look of that kit! I couldn't find it anywhere in Spotlight stores in Brisbane, so I ordered it online, it should be here this week, super excited to play with it.
Thanking...  Chris, for being a amazing husband, patient, kind, loving, understanding. He is the best person that I have ever met, and I am so blessed to have him in my life.
Considering... The future. What plans I want to make for both me and us, what the future may hold for us, what I want to achieve.
Starting... Project life album, I am determined to get into the groove of my 2016 album.
Finishing... My 2015 December daily album, finish off the journaling, everything else if finished except for a few piece of journaling and a few numbers need to be added to a couple of pages.

How has your month been?

Heart of the Kitchen

Kitchen- Noun
A gathering place for friends and family. 
A place where memories are homemade & seasoned with love.

When Chris and I got married we brought a wedding present to ourselves. We brought a Thermomix!!


Yes they are a expensive kitchen appliance, but it is AMAZING!!! It does so many awesome things, it is extremely well made, and it saves the space in the kitchen, it savings having to buy so many other appliances.

It give me the confidence to make things that in the past I would of never have dreamed of making. The machine is simple and easy to use, there are amazing cookbooks out there by awesome chefs, healthy and creative meals. 

This little machine has also helped get my husband into the kitchen and cooking meals, teaching him how to cook, and giving him confidence that he can also do it too!

I have a huge list of recipes that I want to make, and of course Pinterest is helping with making that list longer.

Here are a few of the things that I have made some far in the past 15 months that I have had the Thermomix...
-Chorizo, mushroom & gorgonzola cheese risotto
-Vegetable stock
-Butter Chicken
-Sausage Rolls
-Cinnamon Rolls
-Lindt Mint Chocolate mousse, topped with Malteser's.
-Almond Milk
-Chicken Tinga (two photos)
-Dip- almond, sundried tomato, olives
(Photos top to bottom, left to right)

They have all been amazing and super delicious! And they taste fresh, that may sound weird, but I they are awesome! 


Having a Thermomix has brought back creativity back into my cooking, it has got me cooking things that I have never had the guts to cook before.

Thanks to the Thermomix I am currently loving avocados, black beans and olives. Delicious.

I even backed bread for the first time!!! I wish that I took more photos of the things that I have made.

My goal this year is to use the Thermomix more often and to try new recipes. I want to cook at least 52 new recipes this year, one each week!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Fight Time...

"Some don't realises that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."

Living life with anxiety, some days it absolutely sucks.
Each day is a fight, Me vs. Me...

There are days where I don't want to get out of bed and face the world, where I just wanted to hide under the covers.
There are days where I feel like there is a huge weight on my chest making breathing feel impossible.
There are days where the panic takes control and the panic attacks set in.
There are days when the smallest things will make me cry.
Some days the anxiety slow builds up, other days it hits me like a fast moving truck.
There are nights where I lay awake for hours on end, into the early hours of the morning, not being about to stop the thoughts that are racing through my mind.
The worries that race through my head, over thinking past actions, words that were once send, past memories, and the future.

For someone to talk about what it is like to have anxiety, panic attacks and/or depression is extremely hard, I love this video at the bottom of this post by Meghan Rienks, she has put together a video explain anxiety and has done a awesome job at explaining what it feels like.

For me, I have the evil three- Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Depression. Anxiety being the worst out of all three. They are the worst feelings in the world.

Each day is a battle, a battle to look forward to the day ahead of me, to not let the little things get to me. On the outside I may look fine or normal... but inside it is a massive fight, with myself.

But I am improving, I am learning how to cope, how to live with them, and how to not let them define me.

I started blogging again because I want to be able to us this platform as a source of expression for me, from things that I am thinking down to the things that I am loving on Pinterest.

If you have anxiety or depression, or panic attacks, know this... you are not alone, there are people around you that care about you, there are people around you that understand what you are going through, and most importantly you are stronger than you think.


Friday, February 26, 2016

Craftiness

Over the past few months I have had a craving to be crafty. Thanks to the awesome help from my Mum for showing me how to make a quilt.

I have now fully made 1 quilt and I have a second one half made. They are both so cute!
I absolutely love the Winnie The Pooh quilt, it is going to look super cute once it is completed! 

I have taken a bit of a break on the quilt for the past month, mainly cause its the middle of summer here at the moment, so it is a tad bit too hot to be working on it at the moment, even with the air con on!

I really want the next quilt to be a Marvel themed one, I just have to hunt for some cute fabric, a Panel and a backing fabric, so the hunt is on.

One day when we have kids these quilts will look even better with a little baby chillin' out on top of it!

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Lounge Room Picnic Date Night

The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.


I love our simple date nights when were too tired to go out or to cook, so instead we drop into the supermarket on the way home grab a simple light dinner, then to head home, camp out on the lounge room floor and chat while we enjoy some yummy food. Then we curl up and watch a movie together.

It's those small personal moments that I love, relaxing in the peace and quiet of our home, enjoying each other's company. On this particular evening, we got to listen to the rain pouring outside along with thunder and lightening, oh how I do love summer night storms.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Clear Blue Skies & Rolling Green Hills

Huon Valley
This is the view that I grew up with, Huon valley, when I was young I got to enjoy playing in the fields of my grandparents farm. In October 2015 I was able to take my husband to Tasmania and show him where my family were from, he got to listen to stories from my Mum & Nana.

I loved listening to their stories, remembering memories from my childhood that had long been forgotten, and learning new things that I never knew about my Mum's childhood, and seeing sites that I love. We had a gorgeous day, the weather was perfect! Clear blue sky, bight warm day. Love it!

These two pictures capture so much of what I love about Tasmania, it is my favourite part in Australia, and I am so glad that I was born and raised there. I love visiting and seeing the sights and discovering new places.

Chris and myself are planning a 2 week trip to Tasmania late December this year, we are going to hire a camper van and spend the 2 weeks traveling around, showing Chris the state that I love, enjoying time together.

It is my favourite time to head down to Tasmania for a number of reason, the main one being the fruit that is in season down there.... fresh raspberries and cherries... of my goodness they are amazing down there! Fresh from the orchards, delicious!!

Sleeping Beauty, Huon Valley