Thursday, May 31, 2012

Work hard...

Small steps make for big achievements.
With every choice that you make, you are making a step towards your goal.
I am determined to achieve my goal.
And I am going to work hard to do so.
There may be set backs along the way,
But no matter what I have to do or give up,
The end goal is well work each and every bit!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Things that I love in friends...
  • No matter how often or little you see them, you always pick up as if you only just saw them.
  • Friends that make you laugh so much you cry.
  • They never judge you.
  • Being about to be blunt and honest with each other and not be offended by it.
  • Supportive.
  • Caring.
  • Knows when to listen and when to talk.
  • They know how to cheer you up.
  • Someone I can trust. That will keep my secrets.
  • Equals, someone that will not talk down to me, or make me feel stupid.
  • Encouraging.
  • Someone that gives me room to change.
  • Inspiring and uplifting
  • Loyalty
  • Someone who is there for me no matter the hour of the day
  • Someone I can be totally silly and goofy around.
  • Someone that keeps in touch with me no matter how busy life can get. No matter if it's a simple text message or a email or good old snail mail.
  • There for a hug when one is needed.
  • Humble
  • Being able to forgive and forget when needed.
  • Someone that has seen every side of me, and is still my friend.
  • Has a positive effect on my life.

There are so many other things that I can reel off about what I look for in friends, and what I like about the friendships that I have with people.
But when it comes down to it, there are three things that I require from a friendship, they are: Honesty, trust and respect.
If I can not trust someone, or if they are not up front with me and honest, they are pretty much deal breakers straight away. 
I am not afraid to end a friendship if it is having a negative effect on my life. I have done it a number of times in my life. I have no room for friends in my life if they put me down or make me feel like I am smaller then them in life.

I can count on one hand the people in my life that are my true and close best friends, they are the people that know pretty much everything about me, they know me so well that they know when to turn around to me and tell me to snap out of it. Those people inspire me, I look up to them, I would trust them with my life, their opinions mean a lot to me.
Those people, I will always keep in my life, and close to me, no matter how great this distance life may put between us, or how long it goes with out seeing them, I will always be there for them no matter what.

Another quote I really like about friends is...
"If someone wants to be a part of your life,
They'll make an effort to be in it."

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Woman's Heart Is Full Of Mysteries...

On this blog, and in life, I tend to shut people out, censor what I say to people. I never let any people get to know the really me. I can count on one hand those people in life that know me for who I really am, the good and the dark side to me. They know my secrets and my faults. 

I don't like it that I put up a brick walls. I even do it to those that are closest to me. I put up brick walls so fast if I think for a second that I am going to get hurt. I just shut people out.

I want to learn to open up to people. But to be able to do this it is going to take small steps, no matter the setbacks. The first step that I am going to do is to open up more on this blog. I would like those who take the time to read my blog to be given the chance to get to know me. 

I think one of the hardest parts about that is sometimes forgetting who is actually reading this and to just write, to express myself. But before I do that, there is one thing I would like to say to all you that read this blog of mine, thank you for taking a moment to stop by my blog, to read the post that I have put time and effort into.

This song has been the inspiration to my post; one of the main lines in the song is...
"Everyone has a dark side"
To me my dark side is something that came about 5 years ago and that I have battled with every day since. 

Six years ago my life was very different to what it is now. I was engaged and living with someone that I thought I was head over heals in love with, that there could be no other man that I would love as much as him. We had been together for a year and a half. Our relationship wasn't perfect but whose was? About six months before he proposed to me, I actually left him; he had cheated on me with someone he hardly knew. But after him turning on his charm and promising he would change I took him back.

When he proposed we were in a really good place, for a few months we had been working hard on our relationship and I thought I was happy. At the time I also thought that I was excited about being engaged. I had done what any girl in that position would of done, celebrated with friends, told the parents, brought the wedding magazines etc. 

But it wasn't till one day with my mother sitting behind me while I stood in from of mirror looking back at myself in a gorgeous wedding dress did I realise that I could not marry this man, that I could not picture my future with him, and that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him had me sick. I realised that I didn't trust him, and no matter how hard we worked on the relationship the trust was broken and that could never be fixed.

After having this realisation it took me about one and a half months to get up the courage to call off the engagement and the relationship. It then took about another 2 weeks to move out of the house that I shared with him.

The coming 4 months after that was kind of a adrenaline rush, there was so many things that I had to do to cut ties with him, to get him out of my life, to cut the contact that he had with me. It took me changing my phone number and moving to the other side of the state to finally get him away from me.

I transferred with my work and moved into a house with friends. Life it seemed was good and back to normal. Then I crashed. I put blocks up with those who I was friends with, treated them badly, and took leave from my work. 

About 3 months after moving, my life got to the lowest it has ever been. I was living by myself in an apartment cut off from family and friends. I felt as if I couldn't function or think. I had changed from a girl that was super social, out going, bubbly. To a girl that couldn't go out to a shopping centre cause it was too crowded.

I was suffering with four things- insomnia, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, and migraines.
At times there would be days where I would be suffering from crippling migraines and having had no sleep for 2-3 days. Times when the panic attacks were so bad I would have to sit myself under a cold shower for a half an hour to an hour to try and calm myself down.

My doctors wanted to put me onto medication, but I had seen what that type of medication did to people, yes it did help them, but they would have to stay of it for so many years, and I didn't want to rely on medication. I wanted to be in control of my moods and me.

I was determined to not rely on medication. It took me about 3 months to come to that decision, that I wanted to be in control of me. Once I had made that decision, I started to fight for it. After being low for so long it was an up hill battle, a battle that I still have to fight from day to day. Some days I have really good days, other days I feel like I have taken 5000 steps backwards.

Over the past four years I have been lucky enough to get to the point where I rarely suffer from insomnia. When it does spike I know what to do to overcome it. The same thing for my depression and anxiety/panic attacks.

The hardest part I find is being vigilant of my moods, behaviours and thoughts. If my stress levels get too high things play up. I have learnt things that I can put into place to get things back under control.

Some of the things that I do to help control them are...
-Running: Before I hurt my back and foot I used to love to run to relieve the stress, to clear my thoughts.
-Listen to music: This is one of my main and favourite ones. I turn the music up to block out the negative thoughts, to try and stop the thinking all together. 
-Reading: I love to read, it's like I can escape this life to another world, forget my worries and for a moment image that I am someone else and that I am living the dream of the book.
-Walking: Going for long walks, get out into nature. It's an amazing world when you stop and look around.
-Journal: write everything down, get your thoughts out of your head and on to paper, it can help you sit back and look at it differently if it is on paper.
-Talk about things with a close friend or family member. It doesn't help if you keep things bottled up. I use my mum when I need to rant and get things out and when I need advice.
-Pamper yourself: Take a moment to relax, have a bubble bath, paint your nails, go have a massage, buy fresh flowers.
-House work: It releases energy and when you turn around after finishing you will be proud of what you achieved. And it also means one less thing to stress about. 

No matter what ever it may be, the important thing is to find something that helps you to lower your stress levels, cause I find that stress is the worse enemies for me, it triggers so many other things.

Looking back over my life, I do not regret a single thing, sure I wish that I would have done things differently, but then I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I know that I will never be 100% free from depression or anxiety, but I am stronger then I have ever been. I know that I will have bad days ahead of me, but I also know that no matter what is thrown at me I can over come it. If I can pull myself out of the lowest point in my life, I know that I can overcome anything. I am not going to take a huge step back to that dark side for anything, and for no one. I am happier than I have been in years, and it's not because of a boy or anything else, it is cause I have worked hard for it.

I am determined to enjoy life, to get the most out of it that I can. I have so many things that I want to improve upon, but I am taking small steps every day to achieve though things. 

If you suffer from depression or anxiety, please know that you are not alone and that it can get better. There are so many people around you ready to help you just need to ask. It will take a lot of work but you can do it! You are stronger than you know, you just need to believe in yourself.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Little Letter...

Dear Future Dates,

If you wish to date me, there is one condition...

From Jess.
P.s. This is so cute!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Dear Mr Postman...

I love getting thing in the mail,
From the smallest thing like a postcard or a little note,
To pages full of words,
To a package full of goodies.

I want to get to know my readers and the bloggers that I follower,
I want to take the time to connect with new people.
I want to look forward to receiving things in the mail.

Writing an email or sending a text message isn't personal,
But taking the time to put pen to paper is.

So who would like to get a postcard, a letter or do a package swap with me??

Please email me!

Tell me a bit about yourself and a postal address.
Look forward to hearing from you...

And look out for Mr Postman.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Master Chef...

Tonight is the first night of my 5 day business trip,
After a long morning of travel,
I decided to have a night off... aka I promise to go to the gym tomorrow :)
So for me nice relaxing evening in the hotel. 
With room service ordered,
Relaxed on the couch to watch some TV.

Master Chef, I haven't really watched it since the first season.
But just by watching the episode tonight makes to want to do some cooking!
So many yummy things...
Bet my personal trainer would love these things!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


This quote fits my thoughts perfectly at the moment...
In so many ways...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A Tune Stuck In My Head...

Thanks to a friend of mine, 
This song has been on repeat for the last couple of days.

She sounds very much like Cher.
Absolutely love her voice.
And this is very much a song that I will happy sing along.

Hope you enjoy!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Break time....

Communication these day is not what it used to be.
I remember when...
I would write notes back and forth, 
Receiving letters in the mail,
Talking on the phone for hours on end,
Going for long walking talking about random topics.
Sharing secrets by whispering,
Write in secret codes,
Meeting up for lunch or a chat over a hot drink,
Having dinner parties to catch up with groups of friends,
Send a package in the mail, rather then having it delivered from a store online,
It is interest how with the changes of time and the growth of the internet things have changed.
In a way people have gotten slack with trying to keep in contact with friends,
That instead of taking the time to show interest in a friends life,
It's easier to just stalk them on facebook.

Myself I love and miss the good old fashion type of communication,

So I have made a decision...
I am going to take a bit of a break from Facebook and Twitter.
I haven't yet decided how long this break will be,
But it will at least be till the end of the month.
It will be interesting to see how it makes a difference in my friendships.
I will still be blogging, and using Pinterest and Instgram (jess_barnes22)
I will only be emailing for necessary things, the basics.

Tomorrow at 6pm Facebook and Twitter will be hidden or signed out of,
And not to be touched till the end of the month (min).

So if you really want to get in contact with me,
Do it the good old fashion way,
Or if your addiction to technology is too great then you can feed your addiction by reading my blog.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Ture Love...

True love is worth fighting for,
It is worth the hard work,
It is worth the good times and the bad times,
It is worth the smiles and tears,
The good will out way any bad.