A Woman's Heart Is Full Of Mysteries...

On this blog, and in life, I tend to shut people out, censor what I say to people. I never let any people get to know the really me. I can count on one hand those people in life that know me for who I really am, the good and the dark side to me. They know my secrets and my faults. 

I don't like it that I put up a brick walls. I even do it to those that are closest to me. I put up brick walls so fast if I think for a second that I am going to get hurt. I just shut people out.

I want to learn to open up to people. But to be able to do this it is going to take small steps, no matter the setbacks. The first step that I am going to do is to open up more on this blog. I would like those who take the time to read my blog to be given the chance to get to know me. 

I think one of the hardest parts about that is sometimes forgetting who is actually reading this and to just write, to express myself. But before I do that, there is one thing I would like to say to all you that read this blog of mine, thank you for taking a moment to stop by my blog, to read the post that I have put time and effort into.

This song has been the inspiration to my post; one of the main lines in the song is...

"Everyone has a dark side"

To me my dark side is something that came about 5 years ago and that I have battled with every day since. 

Six years ago my life was very different to what it is now. I was engaged and living with someone that I thought I was head over heals in love with, that there could be no other man that I would love as much as him. We had been together for a year and a half. Our relationship wasn't perfect but whose was? About six months before he proposed to me, I actually left him; he had cheated on me with someone he hardly knew. But after him turning on his charm and promising he would change I took him back.

When he proposed we were in a really good place, for a few months we had been working hard on our relationship and I thought I was happy. At the time I also thought that I was excited about being engaged. I had done what any girl in that position would of done, celebrated with friends, told the parents, brought the wedding magazines etc. 

But it wasn't till one day with my mother sitting behind me while I stood in from of mirror looking back at myself in a gorgeous wedding dress did I realise that I could not marry this man, that I could not picture my future with him, and that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him had me sick. I realised that I didn't trust him, and no matter how hard we worked on the relationship the trust was broken and that could never be fixed.

After having this realisation it took me about one and a half months to get up the courage to call off the engagement and the relationship. It then took about another 2 weeks to move out of the house that I shared with him.

The coming 4 months after that was kind of a adrenaline rush, there was so many things that I had to do to cut ties with him, to get him out of my life, to cut the contact that he had with me. It took me changing my phone number and moving to the other side of the state to finally get him away from me.

I transferred with my work and moved into a house with friends. Life it seemed was good and back to normal. Then I crashed. I put blocks up with those who I was friends with, treated them badly, and took leave from my work. 

About 3 months after moving, my life got to the lowest it has ever been. I was living by myself in an apartment cut off from family and friends. I felt as if I couldn't function or think. I had changed from a girl that was super social, out going, bubbly. To a girl that couldn't go out to a shopping centre cause it was too crowded.

I was suffering with four things- insomnia, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, and migraines.

At times there would be days where I would be suffering from crippling migraines and having had no sleep for 2-3 days. Times when the panic attacks were so bad I would have to sit myself under a cold shower for a half an hour to an hour to try and calm myself down.

My doctors wanted to put me onto medication, but I had seen what that type of medication did to people, yes it did help them, but they would have to stay of it for so many years, and I didn't want to rely on medication. I wanted to be in control of my moods and me.

I was determined to not rely on medication. It took me about 3 months to come to that decision, that I wanted to be in control of me. Once I had made that decision, I started to fight for it. After being low for so long it was an up hill battle, a battle that I still have to fight from day to day. Some days I have really good days, other days I feel like I have taken 5000 steps backwards.

Over the past four years I have been lucky enough to get to the point where I rarely suffer from insomnia. When it does spike I know what to do to overcome it. The same thing for my depression and anxiety/panic attacks.

The hardest part I find is being vigilant of my moods, behaviours and thoughts. If my stress levels get too high things play up. I have learnt things that I can put into place to get things back under control.

Some of the things that I do to help control them are...

-Running: Before I hurt my back and foot I used to love to run to relieve the stress, to clear my thoughts.

-Listen to music: This is one of my main and favourite ones. I turn the music up to block out the negative thoughts, to try and stop the thinking all together. 

-Reading: I love to read, it's like I can escape this life to another world, forget my worries and for a moment image that I am someone else and that I am living the dream of the book.

-Walking: Going for long walks, get out into nature. It's an amazing world when you stop and look around.

-Journal: write everything down, get your thoughts out of your head and on to paper, it can help you sit back and look at it differently if it is on paper.

-Talk about things with a close friend or family member. It doesn't help if you keep things bottled up. I use my mum when I need to rant and get things out and when I need advice.

-Pamper yourself: Take a moment to relax, have a bubble bath, paint your nails, go have a massage, buy fresh flowers.

-House work: It releases energy and when you turn around after finishing you will be proud of what you achieved. And it also means one less thing to stress about. 

No matter what ever it may be, the important thing is to find something that helps you to lower your stress levels, cause I find that stress is the worse enemies for me, it triggers so many other things.

Looking back over my life, I do not regret a single thing, sure I wish that I would have done things differently, but then I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I know that I will never be 100% free from depression or anxiety, but I am stronger then I have ever been. I know that I will have bad days ahead of me, but I also know that no matter what is thrown at me I can over come it. If I can pull myself out of the lowest point in my life, I know that I can overcome anything. I am not going to take a huge step back to that dark side for anything, and for no one. I am happier than I have been in years, and it's not because of a boy or anything else, it is cause I have worked hard for it.

I am determined to enjoy life, to get the most out of it that I can. I have so many things that I want to improve upon, but I am taking small steps every day to achieve though things. 

If you suffer from depression or anxiety, please know that you are not alone and that it can get better. There are so many people around you ready to help you just need to ask. It will take a lot of work but you can do it! You are stronger than you know, you just need to believe in yourself.