Monday, December 26, 2016


Like so long, go get yourself a nice hot drink to enjoy while reading.
You've been warned! 

My name is Jess, And I live with chronic anxiety, with panic attacks and chronic depression.

Over the years I have been ashamed & embarrassed to talk about this topic, but today that ends, today I stop pretending.

This is my story and I am sharing this not to get sympathy or attention, I don’t want the “poor jess” I want people to understand how hard mental health can be, how so many people are so scared to share what they are going through because they're afraid of people judging them.
There are a lot of people in my life that have no clue that I live with this every day, or how bad it can be.
Every day is a struggle, a constant fight with myself. Each day a roller coaster.

I developed my condition about 9 years ago. And for many years I learnt how to “cope” with it, coping for me is to bottle thing up, to bury them deep down so that I don’t see or feel them, I build walls, I push people away and most of all I wear a mask.
I hide the true self from people in fear of being rejected, from fear of them thinking that I just want attention or that I am being a drama queen or that I am just faking it.

For the past 2 & 1/2 years, these coping methods that I have used to get through my day to day life have worn me down to the point where 2 months ago I could no longer act, to pretend that I was ok anymore, I shut down.

There are a lot of people in the world that don’t understand mental illness, that hasn't seen first hand how it can affect someone.
Even though you can’t see on the outside a broken arm or leg, doesn't mean that that person your standing next to or that you are friends with isn’t completely broken inside. Some don’t realise that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

My condition over the last year has gotten so bad that I get physically sick from my anxiety and panic attacks. That I have a range of medications just to help me somewhat function on a day to day basis. But 6 weeks ago that all changed, my main medication, the medication I use to help control my anxiety and depression stopped working, I stopped and I crashed.

On Friday 2nd of December between myself and my specialist it was decided to change medication, but to do this it was safer for me to do so in hospital, I was exhausted from sleep deprivation, on average each night only being able to sleep for 4-6 hours of broken sleep, I was out of energy, and in hospital they can change medication faster than outside due to having the medical monitoring, and also the additional support.
I have since been discharged and spending a time in Tasmania to recover, my body is exhausted but also going through withdrawal symptoms from the old medication, it is not easy, it's still a struggle. There is still a strong chance that I will return to the hospital for another medication change because it takes time to get the right one.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am the person that wears a mask, that only shows the good side both online and in real life, my smile holds back the pain and the tears. I want to become a “Real person” both in person and online. No, I am not going to start whining or wanting attention, that is not me, I will just share my real life.

To anyone suffering wth Mental illness… 
You are one badass person! Stronger than you will ever realise because nothing is more terrifying than battling with your own mind every single day. 
And I want to promise each one of you that if you suffer from mental illness you are NEVER alone, there are always people to talk to if you ever need someone to just listen or to distract you please know that you can always talk to me. No matter how close we may or may not be, no matter if its been years since we have talked or just yesterday or even if we have never talked.

To those that don’t suffer from mental illness, some words of advice…
Just cause you can’t can’t see the injury doesn’t mean that someone isn’t hurting or broken. So be nice, show kindness to all those that you come across.
If you are going to ask a person “R U OK”, “Can I do something for you” or “Do you want to talk about it”…. MEAN IT!!
Don’t say it if you don’t mean it, cause we can tell when someone is not being sincere, we can see the reactions in your face, we can see the unread Facebook messages or the silent replies. Don’t FAKE being nice, make real connections.
If someone trusts you enough to tell you personal things such as their struggle with depression or what anxiety feels like or just how they feel in general, please don’t be a shitty person and brush it off by belittling it just because you’ve never experienced it. it feels like shit to be told your feeling don’t matter by the one person you actually trust enough to tell.

If someone shares with you what their condition is and you don't understand it or never experienced it, if you truly care about that person then education yourself! There are so many websites out there that have so many resources for those that support suffers.

And lastly, there are four people in my life that over the last two years and especially the last 4 months they have been beyond amazing, my awesome parents that no matter where in the world they are and no matter what hour of the day or night they are always there to talk to me.
My little big sister, that gives me pep talks, calms me down or gives me the spare key to her house to let me go play with her cat or to come over late night when I just want a cuddle from my sister.

And last but far from least my husband Chris that paces back and forth with me for hours in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep due to restless legs or just hugs me tight when I’m having panic attacks. There are so many other things that I could go on about on about that he selflessly does for me, he is my best friend, my soul mate and the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

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